 Rachel Cook contemplates the mysteries of genitalia.
It’s true I give the straight man a hard
time on occasion.
I can’t help it. I’m so annoyed by their
fragility and the unspeakable things it makes them do that I can’t contain myself,
even at the risk of offence; and it appears I’m not alone in this.
Ranting about the shortcomings of
heterosexual men is a pastime for some (mainly their girlfriends and wives). Straight
men even write about their own dissatisfaction with themselves. Take Michael Moore’s
Stupid White Men, which could just has
easily been called Stupid Straight White
Men; proof that the heterosexual man can be as incredulous at straight men’s
behaviour as the rest of us.
And yet, fundamentally, I have to wonder how
different am I from them?
I too am driven by that same god, or
goddess as the case may be; by that symbol of creation, immortality and
divinity; by that giver of life and taker of pain.
What am I talking about, some readers may
wonder? No other than the ‘yoni’. Some of you know her better as the vagina.
There she lies, seemingly harmless, subtle
and enigmatic in appearance. If you were a real estate agent and you were
selling a vagina you might describe her as, ‘deceivingly spacious and filled
with hidden treasures, certain to bring joy for many years to come’, whereas the
penis is pretty much a ‘what you see is what you get’ kinda guy, with no hidden
nooks that could accommodate a third bedroom or study. Although given the array
of penis-enhancing accoutrements on the market, some might snap up the penis as
a renovator’s delight.
Female genitalia, however, is not all innocence
and the stuff of worship for everyone. Although it’s said that once out, you
spend your whole life trying to get back in, there is the phenomenon known as ‘Vagina
Dentata’, or the Toothed Vagina, to deal with.
Now, I’ve heard about the fear of castration
by the vagina before, but I didn’t realise it was so widespread, nor so popular
that it’s become the subject of the American horror-comedy, Teeth (pictured). From the Chinese to
North American Indian tribes to the Polynesians, they were all talking about
it. The Greeks, too, were a little worried about the devouring habits of the
female member, and I’m sure no-one is surprised that those responsible for the
witch burnings believed that witches actually sported fangs down below.
It’s horrific, I know, and I hope no gay
man is reading this while eating.
I’ve been reading about Vagina Dentata for
too long now, and cannot help but view my girlfriend with a newfound suspicion.
I know it’s not fair on her, but it doesn’t help that I have also seen a
picture of a vagina with teeth, which I’m sure was doctored, but which has
nonetheless given me a whole new meaning to the term ‘cuntstruck’.
I’ll get over it eventually, but my
behaviour is becoming increasingly odd, and my own fragility is now glaringly
obvious to both my girlfriend and me. So if you’re feeling a little curious,
and want to look further into this freakish mythology, my advice is: don’t. It’s
a hell best avoided.
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