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 “Tell me, as a gay man, do you believe that you've been a victim of homophobia?”
I immediately answered, “No”.
I honestly didn't think I had endured a particularly rough ride when it came to homophobia. And then my therapist began to list off a few events from my rather colourful life story.
Alienation from other kids in primary school due to being not particularly masculine. Alienation from my own extended family due to being the only male child who wasn't any good at throwing or kicking a ball. Taunts, teasing and physical violence during high school. Sexual assault and a gay-bashing just before graduating from high school. Verbal abuse and cruel jokes in my early working days. Harassment and violence from police as a young adult. Being fired from a job because I had a boyfriend. Being forced to discuss my lifestyle in an interview for a job with a high public profile.
Clearly there had been quite a bit of homophobia in my life. The disturbing part is that I didn't recognise it.
When you are told something enough times, you tend to either violently reject it, or you integrate it into your own belief system. If you are beaten up enough times whilst being told you “deserve it for being a dirty fag”, then some of us will, at some point, begin to believe it. Apparently this is what I had done. I had integrated homophobia into my life to the point of not only believing that I deserved it, but that we all somehow deserve it.
Like the cycle of abuse that exists in violent families, there is also a cycle of homophobia in gay men. Those of us who have been the victim of homophobia can actually perpetuate it ourselves. My own homophobia has manifested in a desire to not be aligned in any way with the more obvious showings of “gay”. I have never been to or watched a broadcast of the Mardi Gras. I have never dressed “gay”, acted “gay” or spoken “gay”. I have no close gay friends. I don't like being in places where large numbers of gay men are. And I am the first to speak out on what I don't like about “gay people”. I am one of the most homophobic people I have ever known. Naturally, I celebrate the right for “those types” to live their life the way they see fit. But I don't want to be associated with “them”.
Sound familiar?
Despite being a gay man who has suffered at the hands of homophobia, I have now been exposed as a homophobe myself. The abuse has come full-circle.
And I know I am not the only self-loathing gay man out there. There are potentially tens of thousands of us in Australia alone. And most of us don't even recognise the homophobia in our own minds. We consider ourselves to be “straight acting”, “normal”, “sensible” or “mature”. We cringe at public displays of sexuality. We groan when we're invited out to a party at a gay venue. We don't understand why gay men would need gay friends. We have accepted homophobia to such a degree that some of us actually agree with it.
In my life, at least, that stops now.
To every effeminate gay man, twink, bear, drag-queen, leather queen, insatiable bottom, club kid, porn star, scene queen and fashion victim I have ever looked down my nose at, I offer my unconditional apology. I recognise not only the homophobia I have been subject to, but the homophobia I have perpetuated. You are my brothers and my sisters and I have wronged you. The cycle of abuse and homophobia stops here.
I have come to understand now that homophobia can infect anyone. Even a gay man.
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