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Marriage isn’t everyone’s cup of confetti, but even some skeptics are joining the institution. Antoinette Bauer investigates.
Back in the not-really-all-that-great 80s, in lesbian feminist circles at least, marriage was regarded as a patriarchal institution that oppressed women. And, as the toilet wall graffiti of the time put it: “Who wants to live in an institution?”
But the times they are a changin’ – with the exception of the bad eighties fashion now back to haunt us – and today many gay men and lesbians are getting married, just not to each other (though I have heard of cases in the past where gay men and lesbians did marry each other, to put an end to constant harassment by their families).
Many gay rights battles in Australia have been fought and won, but the struggle for the right to be legally married continues.
And it isn’t all about the ceremony, the party and the presents. For example, under US laws, it’s estimated that there are more than 1,000 distinct rights, benefits and responsibilities that are recognised for married couples.
I asked Sharon Dane from Australian Marriage Equality what arguments she would put to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd in support of same-sex marriage if given the chance to pitch her case.
“I’d argue not on legal grounds so much as the need for social equality. If our relationships are not given the same credence as heterosexual marriages, it’s suggesting that the relationships are not of equivalent status. It’s not about being pro-marriage, it’s about the right to choose just like any other couple.
“I’d also argue that marriage is universally understood, and transportable between countries. Civil unions are not easily universally understood, nor are they easily transportable.”
Dane said that she sees civil unions as a step forward, but they don’t provide the social equality that marriage does. By not yet recognising civil unions, Australia lags behind even the US, where in some states at least, they are.
Globally, only five nations, Belgium, Canada, South Africa, Netherlands and Spain, and one state in the US – Massachusetts – offer equal marriage rights to same-sex couples. Over 20 countries offer civil or other forms of partnership registration for same-sex relationships at a national or state/provincial level.
But marriage isn’t everyone’s cup of confetti. The ‘M’ word is just as likely to cause contention within, as it does outside, GLBT communities.
While some queers want the right to have whatever heteros are having, one white wedding straight up thanks, others believe that marriage is one heterosexual institution we can live without.
Somewhere in-between are the lesbians and gay men who don’t wish to marry, but agree that we should have marriage equality. Couples like Molly B and Kelly M fall into the latter group.
For them marriage is “very much a heterosexual paradigm, with religious overtones and many encumbrances, such as the promise to stay together forever.
“Of course, we hope to stay together, but we don’t want to put that kind of expectation and pressure on our relationship.
To us civil unions make more sense because they’re not religion-based, and we very much support the right to make that kind of commitment and union, on the basis of equality.”
“Also, it’s important to be able to make a commitment that has some standing in society – that is recognised, for example, when you’re filling in a school enrolment form.”
For these reasons Kelly and Molly have chosen to remake marriage in their own queer image.
“It started off as a joke – saying that I’ve always wanted to be barefoot and pregnant, and to have a shotgun wedding,” says Kelly.
“But we are trying for a baby, and we think it would be great to have a public acknowledgement and celebration of our relationship.
“We’re planning a kind of high-camp, 1950s mock marriage complete with a Tiki bar and a Dean Martin, Sergio Mendez soundtrack. We aim to take marriage back to what it was before it was formalised by the Christian churches.
“It’s about placing ourselves in front of our family and friends and saying – bring on the white goods!”
Tiki bars and white goods aside, the last word goes to marriage celebrant and Brisbane dykon, Gai Lemon:
“My own father didn’t attend my commitment ceremony because – and this from a man who was violently abusive towards his family and particularly his wife – ‘Two women couldn’t possibly share the same love that your mother and I shared’.
“This [discriminatory] law is behind the same mentality that forbids same-sex marriage and prohibits us from having automatic access to carer’s leave. If our partner dies, we often don’t get the same recognition of being a widow or widower, or an understanding of the grief that accompanies our loss.
“Taxation, aged care, superannuation – all of these factors impact on our relationships in one form or another. Having the support and understanding of someone close to you, in a relationship, however that is negotiated, has been shown to have lasting health benefits. And having that relationship validated, I believe, takes it to another level.”
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