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 New Year’s resolutions can do more harm than good, writes Chris Pye, who suggests an alternative.
Those New Year’s resolutions can be a pesky business. It’s so easy to get dragged along by the cultural tsunami of expectation that we must all confront glaring defects in ourselves every January 1, whether we like it or not.
I’m all for personal growth and development, but my work as a counsellor has taught me that genuine and sustained change is a complex business with no respect for the Roman calendar.
We all have theories about how change happens in our lives, largely shaped by our formative experiences. Some believe innately that they can effect immediate change simply by willing it. We hear stories of people giving up smoking cold turkey and never looking back, such is their belief in personal ‘willpower’. Others may feel overwhelmed by narratives of themselves as ‘weak-willed’ or ‘lazy’. When we internalise such unhelpful labels they can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Some counsellors adhere to a theory by Prochaska, proposing a series of change stages. He suggests that the action of change is preceded by the foundational stages of pre-contemplation, contemplation and preparation, before we are ready to take that concrete step of flushing those evil ciggies down the loo. He also points to the important post-action stage of maintenance, involving ongoing support, positive reinforcement and the removal of triggers for unhealthy behaviours.
I know, I know... all you wanted was to shed a few of those extra yule-fuelled kilos. You didn’t ask for a lecture on semantics. And I’m truly all for it, if you are, but few things are as damaging to self-esteem as taking on a challenge without the right preparation and feeling like a failure when you can’t keep it up. So here are a few questions you may want to consider, if contemplating change this January.
1. Why do I want to make this change and do I feel committed to it?
2. Have I discussed it with people I care about and do I have support?
3. What new behaviours or activities will replace the old, less healthy ones?
4. How will I sustain the change in the face of ‘slip ups’ or low motivation?
None of us is perfect. We can all use a little ‘reno’ from time to time and there’s nothing wrong with striving to be the best person we can be. But this New Year I’m bucking tradition. Instead of focusing on one of my many and varied flaws, I resolve to raise a glass and make the toast: “Here’s to being pretty bloody proud of myself just as I am.”
Happy New Year everyone!
Chris Pye is a counsellor with the Rainbow Counselling Service, an LGBT community initiative of Relationships Australia and the Queensland Association for Healthy Communities (QAHC).
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