 Coming
out is a difficult process at any age, and in any environment. But men
who come out later in their lives face particularly prickly challenges, reports Adam Bub.
A gay man in his 60s has a wife and
two daughters. From his early days at an all-boys school, he had multiple sexual experiences with men, but avoided
the ‘gay lifestyle’ for fear of losing his family’s love. Later in his life, he
was bashed while using a beat for sex, which pushed him further into the
closet. He joined a Tasmanian gay men’s support group and enjoyed interacting
with other men in comparable scenarios. Now, he has been diagnosed with cancer
and has withdrawn his membership from the group out of fear that his family
might later find out about his secret life.
This true story, told to GayTas by the support group leader on
behalf of the man, who will remain anonymous, characterises the problems that
plague older men who keep their sexuality a secret from their wives and
children. The risks of losing families, careers, and friendship networks can be
a terrifying burden for these men – but this need not be the case.
The Australian Federation of AIDS
Organisations (AFAO), a nation-wide organisation that coordinates policy,
advocacy and health promotion in relation to HIV/AIDS, has produced Out Late – A guide for older men coming out.
Developed by the Sydney AFAO education team, the resource has been distributed
to its member organisations, including the AIDS councils of all states and
territories, and member organisations including the National Association of
People Living with HIV/AIDS.
Launched last November, the 84-page guide explores
issues around gay community dynamics, sexual identity, safe sex practices, drug
use and referral information.
One of the coordinators of Out Late, AFAO education manager Simon
Donohoe, told GayTas that while
general guides on coming out are available, there have been no resources that
specifically address older men’s coming out issues.
“It was drawn to our attention by the AIDS
councils of Western Australia and South Australia, where
they have ongoing groups of older men coming out…that there wasn’t a resource
that was applicable for their needs or spoke to them around their set of
issues,” Donohoe said.
Donohoe thinks the resource will better
equip these men and their families with the information to properly deal with
the issues at hand, and to have information about groups like PFLAG and support
groups run by AIDS councils which can help diffuse difficult situations.
“Older gay men who come out later often find it difficult to find support from
people of their own age group, and coming out at an older age is often quite
confronting for their children, their parents, their social networks and of
course, themselves,” Donohoe said.
“But we know through our experiences from
gay liberation politics and the early days of HIV right through until now, that
being self-confident and feeling accepting of yourself are very strong
motivations for maintaining good health and psychological well-being.”
But this is not so easy for older men,
especially those living in rural Tasmania.
“During my lifetime, and I’m only in my mid-40s, I’ve noticed greater
acceptance from communities,” Donohoe said.
“But that’s not to say that there aren’t people who do have entrenched views about
the morality of the issue.”
The Tasmanian Council for AIDS, Hepatitis
and Related Diseases (TasCAHRD) has resolved to target these issues by giving
the resource a public media launch in the coming months. While AFAO first
distributed the resource to Tasmania
in November, individual state AIDS councils and People Living with HIV/AIDS
organisations implement their own distribution and media strategies.
TasCAHRD CEO Kevin Marriott told GayTas the launch will take place within
“the first quarter of the next financial year”, focusing on the north-west area.
“We’ve seen increased notifications around syphilis and other STIs there,” Marriott
said. “But ultimately it needs to target men who don’t necessarily identify as
gay. We can distribute it out to the Men’s Health Network, which is starting to
become more diverse.”
While Out
Late has been distributed to sexual health centres, general practitioners
in cities and rural areas, and bisexual, gay and married men’s associations in
each state, reaching older gay men in remote areas is still difficult,
according to Marriot.
“We want to do an activity using
television, or at least newspaper media, where we can get somebody who has come
out late to tell their personal story about that, and use that as a way to
promote the resource and how to access it. We’re still working on finding that
person who is prepared to talk. Certainly, if men read about it on GayTas, they can contact us.”
Marriott highlighted that older gay men in
rural Tasmania
have less access to sexual health centres and general resources, but experience
similar difficulties to men in rural areas on the mainland: “One advantage in Tasmania is that it’s
actually not too far to travel to get into one of the bigger centres such as
Launceston or Hobart. But getting the message to them is harder.”
With around a thousand copies available in Tasmania alone, the
resource has been welcomed by Tasmanian GLBT organisations, including Working It
Out, the Coming Out Proud Program (COPP) and The League of Gentlemen (LoG).
COPP and LoG coordinator Julian Punch said coming
out is the “the most important and difficult decision that we make in our
lives.” He told GayTas the Out Late campaign is an important
strategy for gays and lesbians.
“In the Tasmanian context it should be planned collaboratively with local,
regional GLBTI communities and special service organisations,” Punch said.
According to Punch, LoG has had many
referrals from GLBTI organisations of people who are either in the process of
coming out, or still in the closet and in a heterosexual relationship. He hopes
TasCAHRD will be able to provide volunteer and professional services to people
in rural areas in the future, services that TasCAHRD maintains is untenable due
to lack of staff. But other options could include skills development training
for organisations such as Lifeline to deal specifically with older gay men’s
issues.
Coming out will always be difficult as long as homophobic attitudes exist in society. The secret life of the man described at the beginning of this article is not an isolated one. As the Out Late guide notes: “Everything from family through to religion can play a part in this choice. Some men felt they had no choice at all. Hiding from others – and even from yourself – that part of you that is attracted to other men is often called denial.”
For now, the resource is sure to help men
who may find themselves in this position later in life, men who are desperate
for information, guidance and above all, hope.
To
view Out Late online, visit www.afao.org.au/library_docs/resources/OutLate07.pdf
For
information about TasCAHRD, visit www.tascahrd.org.au
For information on the Coming Out Proud Program and the League of Gentlemen,
visit www.logtas.org
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